Juan and Pedro journey...

Birthday...

JUAN: Pre! Kelan birthday mo?
PEDRO: July 26.
JUAN: Anong year?
PEDRO: Tanga ka ba?! Edi every year! Bopols ka pala eh! Alangan naman SOMETIMES!

Suicide...

JUAN: bakit may tali ka sa paa?
PEDRO: gusto ko nang mamatay, magbibigti na ako!
JUAN: bakit sa paa? dapat sa leeg! tanga!
PEDRO: sinubukan ko na sa leeg kanina... di ako makahinga.

Unggoy ka ba?

Pedro: Juan unggoy ka ba?Juan: Bakit pare? Dahil ba sa mahilig ako sa saging?Pedro: Hindi.Juan: Kasi mahilig akong maglambitin sa puno?Pedro: Hindi rin.Juan: Bakit nga?Pedro: Wala lang.. Akala ko lang talaga. Sorry ha?

Aagawin ko GF mo..

JUAN: pre, aagawin ko sayo gf mo!PEDRO: subukan mo kung kaya mo...JUAN: oo naman...asawa nga naagaw..gf pa kaya..?!?PEDRO: sige lang...bulkan nga pumuputok....nguso mo pa kaya..??!!

Pangit...

JUAN: pre, pangit ba ako!PEDRO: tatay mo pangit... nanay mo pangit... ate mo pangit... kuya mo pangit...anu sa tingin mo ikaw EXEMPTED?

Eyebol...

Pedro: may ka-eyebol aq mamya.. anu kya itsura nia? kc sbi nya kamkha dw cia celebrity.. "SH" amg cmula ng name...
Juan: jackpot ka, Pedro! Bka SHeri or SHaina!

(matapos ang eyebol, uwi c Pedro)
Juan: kmusta eyebol mo? Bakit ka mlungkot?
Pedro: "SHrek" ampota!

Mga Kwento ni Juan na walang Kwenta!!!

Nagtaksil si Misis... kayat...

Nakaupo sa tabi ng kanyang asawang agaw-buhay si Juan. Hawak hawak niya ang kamay nito at nararamdaman ni Juan na hindi na magtatagal at babawian na ng buhay ang kanyang asawa.

"Juan, bago ako mamatay, mayroon akong gustong ipagtapat sa iyo."

"Mahal, huwag ka ng magsalita at makakasama pa sa iyo."

"Pero Juan, kailangan talagang malaman mo na........"

"Sssshhhh, kung ano man iyon ay hindi na mahalaga, ang importante ay nasa tabi mo ako sa huling sandali mo rito sa mundo."

"Juan, nais kong ipagtapat sa iyo na pinag-taksilan kita sana ay patawarin mo ako."

"Alam ko iyon, kaya nga kita NILASON."

Bayad ko sa jeep...

Kagabi, sumakay si Juan ng jeep…lahat sila nakatingin sa kanya…ang sama ng tingin nila sa kanya…Sinubukan nyang mag-abot ng bayad pero hindi nila tinangkang kunin ang bayad nya…bigla syang kinilabutan…hanggang sa my kumalabit na matanda sa kanya at sinabing…."ARKILADO NAMIN ITO"...

 
Sa gubat at mga bato...

Isang araw naligaw si Pedro at Juan sa isang gubat at nakaramdam sila ng pagkagutom ng may tinig silang narinig.

"KAYONG DALAWA DUMAMPOT KAYO NG MALAKING BATO.."

Kinuha ni Pedro ay malaking bato. Samantalang si Juan ay maliit palibhasa tamad nga.Nagsalita ulit yung mahiwagang tinig. 

"KUNG GAANO KALAKI ANG BATO NA NAKUHA NYO YAN ANG TINAPAY NA KAKAININ NYO....."

Badtrip si Juan.Nagsalita ulit yung mahiwagang tinig. 

"DUMAMPOT ULI KAYO NG MALIIT NA BATO"

Knuha ni Pedro ay maliit na bato. Samantalang si Juan ay malaki ang kinuha kasi nabitin sa pagkain. Sabi ng mahiwagang tinig...

"IHAGIS NYO ANG BATONG HAWAK NYO...............KUNG ANO ANG LAYO NG BATONG HINAGIS NYO ITO ANG MAGIGING HABA NG BUHAY NYO"

Badtrip na talaga si Juan. Nagutos muli ang mahiwagang tinig... 

"KUMUHA ULI KAYO NG BATO PERO NGAYON DALAWANG BATO"

Kumuha si Pedro ng dalawang maliit na bato. Samantalang si Juan ay nag-isip. Di mo na ako magugulangan... Hehehe... Kumuha si Juan na isang maliit at isang malaking bato... Ano ka ngayon sabi ni Juan...

Nagsalita ulit ang mahiwagang tinig... 

"KUNG ANO ANG SUKAT NG BATONG HAWAK HAWAK NYO YAN ANG MAGIGING SUKAT NG ITLOG NINYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mirror...Mirror...

Sa isang Museum..
Juan: Ito bang pangit na 'to ang tinatawag nyo na "ART"?! Ang pangit, nakakasuka! Painting ba to?
Guide: Hindi po sir, salamin yan! Hahaha!

hubby and wifey drama

Husband: Lagi mo pala dinadala ang picture ko sa bag  mo pag pumapasok ka sa office. Baket?
Wife: Pag may problema ko, kahit gaano kabigat, nawawala kapag nakikita ko ang picture mo.

Husband: Sabi ko na nga ba talagang mahal na mahal mo ko.

Wife:Tinitingnan ko lang ang picture mo tapos sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na WALA NG PROBLEMA NA MAS HIHIGIT PA DITO.

Wife: hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
Husband: hello!? electrician ba ako?
Wife: eh di pakigawa na lang hagdan natin.
Husband: hello!? karpintero ba ako?

Umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay. tinanong niya wife kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.

Wife: kasi kanina, a man saw me crying. sabi ko dami sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ako ng cake.Husband: so pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?

Wife: hello?! baker ba ako?

WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!!!

Compilation of Erap Jokes (Part 1)

Former President Erap is one of the president of Pinas who was loved by the masses. In fact, during his presidential stint in 1998, he got the most vote which mostly from the poor kababayans. His charisma is incomparable due to the fact that he is a actor in his early years. When he won the presidency in 1998, I read a lot of jokes regarding his personality and here are some of those collections.


Birthday Gift...

Friend: Pareng Erap may regalo ako sa b-day mo phyton ang haba grabe 8 feet.
Erap: ako b niloloko mo hindi ako tanga no, alam kong walang paa ang ahas 8 feet k p
dyan. Tanga!!************************************************************************************************************

Katapusan na...

Juan: Lumilindol, Gumuguho na ang mga gusali, Bumabagyo na ng Malkas. KATAPUSAN NA!!, KATAPUSAN NA!!
Erap: HINDEEE!!, AKINSE PA LAAAANG!!************************************************************************************************************

Ambience...

Eksena sa isang sikat na hotel nagkape lang sila erap at ang mga kronies at kinuha na nila ang BILL...ERAP: bakit naman ang mahal ng BILL? nagkape lang naman kami eh...
WAITER: sir, mahal talaga kasi po iba ang AMBIENCE...
ERAP: (sa kanyang mga kronies) mga tarantado sino ang umorder ng AMBIENCE sa inyo? kayo ang magbayad aba napakamahal naman!

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Seafoods...

Erap & Gloria having a conversation:

Gloria: Salamat at nagkabati na tayo sa wakas
Erap: Oo nga, dahil dyan i-treat kita sa paborito kong restaurant
Gloria: Saan?, ano b paborito mong mga pagkain?
Erap: Hulaan mo nagsisimula s letter "C"
Gloria: Calamares?
Erap: No.
Gloria: Cakes? Calamansi?
Erap: Mali lahat.
Gloria: Sirit na nga!
Erap: Edi C-Foods (Seafoods)

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Airplane...

Steward: Sir r u done? 
Erap: No, i'm Erap 
Steward: i mean r u finished sir?
Erap: No, i'm a Filipino
Steward: i mean r u through? 
Erap: Wat do u think of me FALSE?

Manny Pacman many faces...

Manny Pacquiao is one of the greatest boxer in planet today. Though he was dethroned by his arch nemesis Juan Manuel Marquez last December in Las Vegas via a 6th round knockout, still his triumphs in the past are  tremendous and incomparable winning eight (8) separate weight divisions. Pacquiao is a national treasure for the Filipino people. 

As I scan google, I met some of his funny faces. All of them were edited using Photoshop. Pinoys are really great and creative. For this, I would like to share to you the many faces of Manny. Just smile. :)

Wifey and Hubby talking together

Here are collections of jokes for married persons, the husband and wife. As I always said, dont take this seriously. Just read and enjoy. The best thing, laugh it loud!!!

courtesy of www.robert.foo.my

Husband: Lagi mo pala dinadala ang picture ko sa bag mo pag pumapasok ka sa office. Baket?
Wife: Pag may problema ko, kahit gaano kabigat, nawawala kapag nakikita ko ang picture mo.
Husband: Sabi ko na nga ba talagang mahal na mahal mo ko.
Wife: Tinitingnan ko lang ang picture mo tapos sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na WALA NG PROBLEMA NA MAS HIHIGIT PA DITO.

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This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting to physical force...Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know what you are.
And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far.HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful.
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue.
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too.
Not in cage but laughing at you.Peace out there...
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Pinoy: used in a sentence

Filipinos are very creative. In everything they do, there's is always a unique aspect to distinguish them from others. Just like in sentence construction, Pinoy's creatively use the english words to construct a sentence but these words sounds alike. Just remember, dont be serious in all these sentences below. Read, stay calm and smile... Here are the compilations. Enjoy...

courtesy of www.cheeseburger.com

Q: Use DEVASTATION in a sentence?
A: Every morning I wait for the bus in the DEVASTATION

Q: Use BAMPIRA in a sentence?
A: Pautang naman, meron ka BAMPIRA?!

Q: Use JULY in a sentence?
A: How dare you, why did JULY to me.

Q: Use ADIEU in a sentence?
A: If you are ADIEU the Nazis will kill you.

Q: Use DEDUCE, DEFENSE, DEFEAT, and DETAIL in a sentence?
A: DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE, first DEFEAT then DETAIL

Q: Use PUNCTUATION in a sentence?
A: Daddy, pasukan na next week. Kailangan ko ng PUNCTUATION.

Q: Use DELETION in a sentence?
A: The balat of DELETION is crispy.

Q: Use AFFECT in a sentence?
A: Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.

Q: Use UNO, DOS, TRES in a sentence?
A: UNO, DOS TRES are on fire.

Q: Use MENTION in a sentence?
A: Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION.

Q: Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence?
A: UNO, DOS TRES are on fire.

Q: Use CURTAIN, KITCHEN in a sentence?
A: Aray! Huwag mo akong CURTAIN. Masa-KITCHEN.

A collection of Teacher-Student Jokes

After our great post on Japanese translation here we are again. These are collections of sometimes true to life stories between students and teachers. Dont get serious just laugh. Enjoy you weekend laughing.

courtesy of www.jokesprank.com

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Teacher: Okay class give me a english sentence and translate it in tagalog
Juan: Mam ako!
Teacher: Juan..
Juan: My teacher is beautiful isnt she?
Teacher: Good! Translate it in tagalog
Juan: Ang guro ko ay maganda maganda nga ba?

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Teacher: Juan, kilala mo ba si Jose Rizal?
Juan: hindi po mam.
Teacher: Pedro, kilala mo ba si Jose Rizal?
Pedro: hindi rin po mam.
Teacher: wala ba sa inyo nakakakilala kay Jose Rizal?
Juana: mam, baka po sa kabilang section.

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The teacher was showing the ill effects of alcohol. She dropped a worm in a glass filled with alcohol and the worm died instantly.

Teacher:  What did you learn from this demo?
Student:  If we drink alcohol we don't get worms!

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Nakaupo sa sahig ang mga estudyante at naglalaro.

Teacher: Class, umupo na kayo sa mga upuan nyo.

Class : Opo mam

Teacher: Class, tumayo sa inyo ang bobo.

May isang estudyanteng tumayo.

Teacher: Bakit ka tumayo? Inaamin mo bang bobo ka?

Studyante: Hindi po mam. Dinadamayan ko lang kayo eh kasi kayo lang nakatayo mag-isa sa klase.

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Teacher: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang isa mong tenga?

Juan: hihina po pandinig ko.
Teacher: e kung dalawang tenga?
Juan: lalabo po paningin ko!
Teacher: bakit naman?
Juan: malalaglag po salamin ko. 

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Teacher: Juan, 2 + 5 ?
Juan: 7 mam
Teacher: Pedro, 5 + 2 ?
Pedro: lintik naman oh.. Pag mahirap ako na lang lagi... FAVORITISM...

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Teacher: Pedro, late ka na naman?
Pedro: Late po kasi relo ko...
Teacher: Edi i-advance mo...
Biglang lumabas si pedro
Teacher: Pedro, saan ka pupunta?
Pedro: Uuwi na po, time na eh..

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Teacher: Ano ang sagot sa bugtong na ito, "Ayan na, ayan na, hindi mo pa makita!"
.
.
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Juan: Maam, "Tanga?!"

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Teacher: Class our lesson for today is Science. Pedro, what is Science?

Pedro: Science is our lesson today Ma'am.

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Pinoy speaks Japanese lingo

Pinoy is one of the talented speakers of the world. Where ever they go, they can easily communicate with other nationalities due to the fact that they can adopt their language easily. And one of it is the Japanese Language. Listed below are english phrase/s with its Japanese translation. Enjoy and memorize. Try to speak with them and let me know if you will be understood. Enjoy...

courtesy of www.buzznet.com

1. Is this your property? 

Arimoto?

2. Yes, this is my property. 

Arikoto.

3. Is this yours? 

Sayobato?

4. This is mine. 

Sakinitu.

5. Can I have it? 

Akinato?

6. You can have it. 

Sayonato

7. Can we have it? 

Saminato?

8. You haven't washed your face. 

Mimutamatamo.

9. You've grown so thin! 

Kitanabutumo!

10. We saw each other. 

Kitakami.

11. We had a big get-together. 

Kitakitakami.

12. Have a drink before you go. 

Tomakamuna

13. That was my assumption. 

Inakarako.
14. Let's go quickly. 

Bachi na yota.

15. We will boycott the election. 

Kaminoboto.

16. Under arm odor. 

Kirikiripawa.

17. Are you a victim of discrimination? 

Minamatakaba?

18. I give up. 

Sukonako.

19. OUCH! 

Haraikupo!

20. What a sad life it is. 

Hainaku.

21. I'm going to leave you. 

Sawanakosayo.

22. Is this your car? 

Otomoto?

23. This is my car. 

Otokoto.

24. I'll take this. 

Kukuninkoto

25. This is my desk. 

Itodesko.

26. Speechless. 

Wasabe.

27.I have a lot of things to do. 

Hironako.

28. What are your thoughts? 

Kuru-kuromo?
29.I am thinking. 

Munimuniko.

30. Are you playing the guitar? 

Gigitaraka?

31.Is this your underwear? 

Jakeemoto?

32. You're crazy! 

Sirauromo!

33. You're drooling! 

Turorawayka!